Monday, 4 October 2010
How does one measure loss particularly when it comes at you like a shooting dart screaming out of the sky? I suppose having one healthy and gorgeous child and the fact you have perhaps had your share of bad luck in the past, gives you some sort of false security that everything will be ok for any future pregnancies despite the niggling fears and apprehension as the three month scan approaches. Seeing the what seemed perfect fetus on the screen and all the anatomy being ticked off as normal, it was a complete whirlwind, as if one was sucked into a situation of disbelief, as a number of warning signs were being flagged up for Downs and heart defect. I wouldn't wish this or the CVS test on anyone let alone the 48 hours of waiting for news which confirmed our worst fears. To feel (and look) so pregnant, getting to the stage where your organs are obviously being pushed out the way in preparation, whilst knowing this will need to come to an end is quite incomprehensible. And the waiting for that hospital appointment - tormenting. It never crossed my mind I would ever, ever need to make such a life decision. I know many may disagree with our path, but in a way having Isobel makes the decision pretty black and white. Her needs and right to a balanced up-bringing have to come first and this is something which would come secondary if the other route was chosen and survived the pregnancy. I am dreading facing this week. I am not sure how the next few weeks and months will be -up and down to be sure - , but I hope we will eventually start looking forward to the not so distant future.