A Year On

Today is our wedding anniversary, but also a year to the date to discovering our baby might have Downs. I remember that week as if it was yesterday, the routine scan - all seemed to be going to well at the beginning with the sonographer chatting away, to the CVS itself having had a 3pm appointment and finally being seen at 7pm, to the phone call less than 48 hours later to confirm it was definite - not reaching my mobile in time and then the landline ringing - knowing this was the call.   Then having to wait over a week to face the ordeal.  And it still went on - technically a 'missed abortion' which involved countless more scans at the hospital - somewhere which still fills me with dread. Finally they agreed enough was enough and another procedure was booked in a week before Christmas. Meanwhile hormones seemed to be bouncing off the wall and I was probably not the easiest person to live with! By some miracle I became pregnant again, but of all the other 364 days of the year, the original due date of this pregnancy is that of the termination - I am hoping we might avoid it. It is hard not to be dominated and swept up in the grief and guilt of losing our baby girl - a year does not seem very long.  However, the constant kicks I feel inside me at the moment with officially two weeks today to go, remind me I need to keep focus and for his sake look forward to hopefully what will be a bright future. And an older sister who can't wait to meet him.